


Dick, dick, dickity dicking dick.

by KayleighMcCamyo



Series: Groupchats of One Direction and 5 Seconds of Summer [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: 5sos!groupchat, Code Red, Crack, Dicks, Fluff, Humor, M/M, OT4, Strong Language, alot of dicks, calums nudes, groupchats, im sorry, why would i
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-31
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2018-04-12 04:16:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4465130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KayleighMcCamyo/pseuds/KayleighMcCamyo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ash: Sorry, Cal, we didn´t  want to laugh in your eyes, so we do it behind your back instead.</p><p>Cal: thanks</p><p>Cal: you’ve shown how much of a dickheads you really are</p><p>Luke: well at least we don't send our dickheads to our fans via snapchat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dick, dick, dickity dicking dick.

Michael Clifford (Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford) has started a groupchat. He’s invited: Ash, Luke a Cal.

 

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : CODE RED, FUCKERS, CODE RED!!!!

 **Ash** : You wanted to swim across the Pacific Ocean in a canoe and you hit an iceberg?

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : …um, no-

 **Cal** : Is there a giant spider on the bathroom floor and you run out of toilet paper?

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : No…

 **Ash** : Did you hit postlimit and you need the password to my tumblr so you won‘t lose the rest of your sanity?

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : Well –, not yet-

 **Cal** : Is there a murderer in your house and you don't have the time to clean your browser history?

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : uh – what, no

 **Luke** : Your grandma has found the dirty magazines you have under your bed and brought that up during family dinner?

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : No – how the fuck do u know that-

 **Cal** : did you murder Donald Trump and need help with hiding the body?

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : No-!

 **Ash** : Do you _want_ to murder Donald Trump and need help with that?

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : No! – Well, yes, but not now-

 **Luke** : Did you turn into a mermaid and you put starfish on your boobs instead of seashells?

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : No-

 **Cal** : Im out of ideas.

Ash: basically.

 **Luke** : Me too. What's up, Mikey-kitten?

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford:** Seriously I’m amazed by your assumption of code red situations, guys. But my question is way more important: Shoudl I shave my manliest bits?

 **Ash:** Oh sweet lord jesus, not your dick again.

 **Luke** : OH MY GOD MICHAEL

 **Cal** : The fuck michael why are u even asking us

 **Ash** : CAN SOMEPNE PLEASE CHANGE THE SUBJECT oh my dear god

 **Luke** : i wanted to eat, sometimes in the future. But I won‘t now, ever.  

 **Cal** : Michael seriously why does that happen?‘?‘!?! like, everytime im starting to think that we are relatively normal people, _you_ come in, and without even saying hi, you throw a dick in our conversation.  

 **Ash** : Above that, your own.

 **Luke** : oh my god.  

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford:** Well at least im just talking about it. I could as easily post a video of it on the internet for the world to see.

 **Cal:** OH MY GOD THAT WAS JUST ONCE AN IT WAS A MISTAKE OKAY?!

 **Luke** : I’m leaving this band.

 **Ash** : Lukey NO! YOU ARE THE ONLY SANE MEMBER IN THIS MESS YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE, HELPLESS, ALONE

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford:** WHO U TRYNNA FOOL LITERALLY HOW MANY INNOCENT FANS HAVE YOU DISGUSTED AND TURNED INTO LESBIANS AND ASEXUALS FOREVER LIKE NOT TO SAY A PIC BUT A FUCKIGN VIDEO LIKE HOW COULD U HOOD, LITERALLY HOW COUDSL CYOU??!!!

 **Ash** : what?

 **Luke** : are we late to the party, obviously, aren't we? what happened, calie?

 **Cal** : nothing, michael is just an stupid shitbag of idiocy.

 **Ash** : that's what i call news.

 **Luke** : Mikey is the smartest out of all 4 of us.

 **Cal** : yeah, but he's a dickhead

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : Well I might be, but at least i don't show it off to the public eye.

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : Aww, Lukey, you are the most talented out of us.

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : And Ashie is the cutes. Also the best drummer AND bassist in this band.

 **Luke** : Awww, ily, Mikey *heart eyes*

 **Ash** : awww you said Ashie to me omg ily mikey *kissy face* u the bestest guitarist ever u my fave mikey-kitten

 **Cal** : I hate all of you

 **Ash** : don't be jealous, cal.

 **Luke** : we’d show you some love too, but every time we try, you just call us faggots and laugh at us for being pussies

 **Cal** : that's NOT TRUE

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : Yesterday i came to you and said i wanna cuddle and you told me to fuck myself in the ass by the banana ashton was eating.  

 **Cal** : that was because i was in a bad mood

 **Luke** : I wanted to show you my new stuffed penguin and you told me i should name the faggot Dick Gay.

 **Cal** : that was because i was still in a bad mood

 **Ash** : I wanted to make a keek with you and you flipped me off, called me a shithead, and kicked my leg, hard.

 **Cal** : that was because i don't like you

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : BURNNNN!

 **Ash** : OKAY FINE AS YOU WANT ILL GO AND JOIN THE VAMPS

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : THEY ALREADY HAVE A DRUMMER AND HE'S WAY BETTER THAN YOU

 **Ash** : IM GONNA MAKE A FUCKING DISCOBALL WITH MY DICK TO THEIR CONCERT I DON'T GIVE A FUCK CLIFFORD I DON'T WANNA BE IN THE SAME BAND AS YOU

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : YOUR DICK IS SO SMALL THEY COULDNT EVEN HANG THE DISCOBALL ON IT IRWIN AND YOU ARE NOT EVEN A REAL PART OF THIS BAND

 **Cal** : stop flirting *annoyed emoji*

 **Luke** : Mikey u said Ashie is cute *sad emoji* *crying emoji*

 **Luke** : Please make up?

 **Luke** : Ashie u said Mikey is your fave kitten and u love him

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : yeah. Yeah, Ashie is cute. Sorry, Ashie.  

 **Ash** : ok. I love u. U cutest kitten. Sorry Mikey I don't wanna be in a band you are not in.

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : I love u too Ashie u my fav

 **Luke** : *happy face*

 **Cal** : seriously you are the shitties and gayes band ever

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : see? SEE?! THAT'S WHY WE NEVER TELL YOU WE LOVE YOU

 **Ash** : Because we don't.

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : Right. And now, back to the penis stuff.

 **Ash** : …

 **Luke** : …

 **Cal** : no

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : i was so disgusted with your video i didn't  even want to finish my snack.  

 **Ash** : what video mikey?

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : a video of calums penis.  

 **Luke** : you made… a sextape, calie?

 **Ash** : and… sent it somewhere?

 **Cal** : some fan. Sorry. It was a mistake, im never gonna do it again.

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : wait you didn't  post it?

 **Cal** : no. It was supposed to be…

 **Cal** : well

 **Cal** : with the girl, we were flirting,

 **Cal** : and i wanted-

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : Nudes

 **Ash** : nudes

 **Luke** : nudes

 **Cal** : yeah.

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : And she wanted yours, first.

 **Cal** : yeah.

 **Cal** : so i did send her snapchat, thinking it was safer than a pic, but obviously, wasn’t, really.

 **Ash:** OMG MICHAEL WHY WOULD YOU SEND ME THE VIDEO

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : i didn't  want to be alone in this

 **Luke** : LITERALLY WHY

 **Cal** : guys?

 **Cal** : Guys can you… pretend you haven't seen it? Please? Just for this once pretend you are nice friends and just brush it off? Pretty please?

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : omg calums boomerand is trending on twitter

 **Ash** : i wanna die

 **Luke** : im leaving this band

 **Cal** : can't you be like normal supportive friends and say something… reassuring?

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** :

 **Ash** :

 **Luke** :

 **Cal** : oh my god all the dickjokes, here we go.

 **Ash** : okay sorry cal.

 **Luke** : yup.

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : Are you serious? No boomerang jokes? Like this is literally once in a lifetime opportunity?

 **Luke** :

 **Ash** :

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** :

 **Luke** :

 **Ash** :

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** :

 **Cal** : your silence is very… not reassuring

 **Cal** : y'all in one room together, aren't ya.

 **Cal** : and y'all laughing at my dick, aren't ya.

**Cal:**

**Cal:**

**Cal:**

**Cal** : I hate my life.

 **Ash** : Sorry, Cal, we didn't  want to laugh in your eyes, so we do it behind your back instead.

 **Cal** : thanks

 **Cal** : like thank you, guys, you are very supportive best friends

 **Cal** : you’ve shown how much of a dickheads you really are

 **Luke:** well at least we don't send our dickheads to our fans via snapchat.

 **Cal** : YOU TOO, BRUTUS?!?!?!

 **Ash** : :DDDDDDDDD

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : OH MY GOD, LUKEY, MY BABY, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU

 **Cal** : oh ym god

 **Ash** : our baby bitchslapped Calum

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : MY LITTLE BABY I AM SO PROUD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

 **Ash** : i love u so much sweetie

 **Luke** : *blushing face*

 **Cal** : have you finished fucking each other in the ass, or you ready for second round

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : second, fifth and thenty seventh, and we won't invite you.

 **Ash** : cuz u rude

 **Luke** : and u kno what happens to rude people

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : All hail to Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

 **Luke** : lol ily mikey u gonna watch hanni with me?

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : anythin u want my lil baby-penguin

 **Luke** : *happy laughter emoji* *heart eyes emoji*

 **Ash** : btw, Mikey? Haven't you got a question for us at the begging of this groupchat?

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : wasn’t there enough of cocks already

 **Cal** : says the one with cock in their username

 **Luke** : don't be rude cal u know theres dinner time here and Hanni haven't eaten yet

 **Ash** : omg

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : I AM LEAVING THIS BAND NO MORE CANNIBAL JOKES LUKE YOU NEED INTERVENTION

 **Luke** : THIS IS MY SENTENCE ONLY I CAN USE IT

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : IM PUNK-ROCK I DO WHATEVER I PLEASE

 **Luke** : THAT'S NOT WHAT PUNK-ROCK IS U FUCK ASS

 **Cal** : déja-vu.

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : U KNO FUCKING SHIT ABOUT PUNK-ROCK

 **Ash** : huh?

 **Cal** : nah,

 **Luke** : I KNOW ABOUT PUCNK-ROKC WY MORE THAN U YO U JUST DYE UR HAIR AND HAVE TATTOOS

 **Cal** : it's almost like when they were 15.

 **Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford** : YEAH(!?‘! AND WHAT OD Y OU HVAE?!?! PUBRETY VOIC EE AND QUIFEFD HARI!!!!

 **Ash** : did they really argue like this back then?

 **Cal** : yup. All the fucking time.

 **Luke** : PUNK-ROCK IS ABOUT CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM AND NOT BEING SCARED OF AUTHORITIES!

 **Cal** : it's kinda ridiculous.

 **Ash** : is it?

 **Michael** **the Punk-Cock Clifford** : I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYBODY AND ANYTHING FUCK YOU

 **Cal** : Yeah, cuz Mikey was literally cooing at a kitten infront of Macca yesterday, and luke slammed the door a bit yesterday, then he came back in immediately, apologized quietly, and closed the door again gently.

 **Ash** : lol

 **Michael** **the Punk-Cock Clifford** : KITTENS ARE COOL

 **Luke** : I DIDN´T  WANT TO SLAM THE DOOR IT WAS THE WIND

 **Cal** : so punk-rock.

 **Ash** : oh my god.

 **Michael** **the Punk-Cock Clifford** : WE ARE PUNK-ROCK!

 **Luke** : ME AND MIKEY ARE THE MOST PUNK-ROCK EVER!

 **Michael** **the Punk-Cock Clifford** : WE ARE SO PUNK-ROCK EVEN PUNK-ROCK IS JEALOUS OF US!!!

 **Luke** : BITCHSLAAAAAAP!

 **Ash** : they were fucking enemies 5 seconds ago.

 **Cal** : that's why we are named 5sos.

 **Luke** : IT'S FIVE SAUCE IDIOT

 **Cal** : No, it's 5, sos. It means i need help in 5 seconds or ill start to violently murder everyone.

 **Michael** **the Punk-Cock Clifford** : IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT TAKE UR BOOMERANG DICK AND LEAVE THE BAND WE DON'T LIKE YOU ANYWAY!!!

 **Ash** : your relationships are more complicated than columbian soap operas.

 **Cal** : and you didn't  know us when we used to shag.  

 **Luke** : Yeah. About that. Calum’s dick can stay. I like it.  

 **Michael** **the Punk-Cock Clifford** :

**Ash:**

**Cal:**

**Michael the Punk-Cock Clifford:**

**Ash:**

**Cal: …**

**Luke:**

**Ash:**

**Cal** : I – thanks, Luke, I… like you too.

 **Luke** : I didn't  talk about you I was just adressing your dick.  

 **Michael** **the Punk-Cock Clifford** : OH MY GOD

 **Ash** : I am jealous.

 

**Cal has left the conversation.**

 

 

 **Luke** : …I might’ve take it too far.

 **Ash** : No, I don't think so. He's old enough to know the only reason he’s in this band is his dick.

 **Luke** : tru

 **Michael** **the Punk-Cock Clifford** : um, guys? I kinda think we’re in need for a new bassist, the our one‘s just passed over me and he’s packing his stuff into his suitcase.

 **Luke** : tell him to leave his dick here, the rest of him can move out whenever he pleases.

 **Michael** **the Punk-Cock Clifford** : Yeah, i told him so.

 **Ash** : ?

 **Ash** : And?

 **Michael** **the Punk-Cock Clifford** : He packed himself into the suitcase too, and zipped himself in.

 **Ash** :

 **Luke** :

 **Michael** **the Punk-Cock Clifford** :

**Ash:**

**Luke:**

**Michael** **the Punk-Cock Clifford** :

**Ash: …**

**Ash _:_** so…

 **Michael** **the Punk-Cock Clifford** : ehm…

 **Luke** : …

 **Luke** : … dinner?

 **Michael** **the Punk-Cock Clifford** : PIZZA!

 **Ash** : PIZZA

 **Luke** : YASSSSSSSS

 **Michael** **the Punk-Cock Clifford** : It's good to know the priorities of this band.

 **Luke** : Calum‘s dick and pizza.

 **Michael** **the Punk-Cock Clifford** : Calum says his dick wants pepperonni.  

 **Ash** : We should write a lovesong about this.


End file.
